Kiksi,
Darling, I’m sorry I haven’t been writing lately, I’ve completely lost my mind. You have no idea how much easier I would have it if you weren’t in that stupid Germany with those Nazis. What are you doing there anyway, would you please come back already, please! It’s not the same writing an e-mail, it’s pointless talk. I mean, yes, it will be a relief to tell you everything, I agree, mostly because I can arrange my crazed thoughts, it would be therapeutic, but still, imagine how great it would be at our place with coffee and a pack or two or three of smokes, hehehe.
A while ago I felt an astonishing attraction to a woman!!! My God Kiks…It feels weird even writing about this…the girl is the girlfriend of Ivan’s best friend. The guy is a hundred percent closet gay, but nevermind. I actually promised myself this would be only my secret, but I have such a big mouth…I somehow thought there’s something very beautiful in keeping at least one thing that happened in my life mine, only for me. But it’s bigger than me, what can I do? I have to share it.
One of the problems with feeling attracted to her was that she felt the same way and some time ago we went to a hotel together to figure out what was going on and what we wanted. We never got out of bed…I felt like a kid in a candy store…I don’t know if it was the fact that it was forbidden or that it was the first time I felt that way for a woman, but something had made it the best night in my life. We agreed that no one should ever know…
Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t even dream of breaking up with Ivan, I love him more than anything. I did fall in love, yes, you know me, no one falls for people more easily…But my love for her was different than my love for Ivan. Different than any love. I had two parallel loves. Not only because they happened at the same time, but also because just like two parallel lines, they don’t share a single common point in the entire universe.
I know you must be thinking come on man, big deal, so what if it’s a woman, but it’s not like that…This whole situation has got me so confused.
Do you remember in elementary school, we were around 10, I think, a group of kids from our neighborhood saw the older kids spin a bottle and kiss each other and we went behind the white apartment buildings, near that pillar that I told you still has that clumsy “graffiti” of yours that you made with nail polish, and that was the first of the thousand times you played that game, and I always “accidently” came late with the excuse that my folks made me do something again, but the truth was I hated that game, understandable, right? When the bottle started spinning, after a few kids kissed, some of them even explained that tongues should be used – just like in the movies, I felt so sick to my stomach that I wanted to run away, but then the bottle spun in my direction and when I saw Oliver at the other end, I got shivers all over my body. I thought everyone could see how I felt, I thought I’d faint, I was scared out of my wits. If you remember, at that moment someone started insisting that we kissed, those were the rules and we did. When I came back to my spot, while everybody was screaming in laughter and shouting: “queers, fags, queens”, Oliver was spiting and pulling faces, but you looked at me and saw that I had a hard on. The look you gave me, I don’t know if it was astonishment, shame or incomprehension, but to this day I think of that look whenever I feel embarrassed about something. Now, since I’ve actually written this down, this situation seems exasperatingly ridiculous, and not only did I think I’d die then, so I was avoiding you for I while, a few days that is, we couldn’t exactly avoid one another then…but to this day I feel embarrassed whenever I think of this, although everybody I know on this world knows I’m in a relationship with a man.
That night, for the first time, I thought I was different than everyone around me and that it would never change no matter how hard I tried. I used to think that the fact I found guys more pleasant to look at than girls, you know, I thought Brendon was prettier than Brenda and so on was not only like when you think some song is prettier than another or some picture is more pleasant to the eye than another. I am not quite sure if I can explain what that whole thing was for me, but when I was a kid I thought of it as of something quite normal, as if everyone around me were the same. First, when my parents’ friends would ask me “do you have a girlfriend from kindergarten?”, I thought that the man + woman couples existed so that when they have children the mother would take them to kindergarten on Mondays, and the father on Tuesdays, then when I got a bit older and understood what the mothers and fathers were actually doing I thought sex was something parents had to do, like going to work or taking out the trash, but I kinda thought (or hoped) that when they went fishing or something the fathers were looking at each other’s naked bodies and touching each other, I thought that wasn’t sex, that was something else, something normal, something you didn’t have to do but wanted to, heheheheh.
When that thing with the bottle happened and everybody reacted the way they did to me kissing Oliver, I realized that wasn’t exactly the case. And now, I was attracted to a woman…Never before had I liked a woman like that…
It’s stupid that I can’t share the most intensive thing that has ever happened to me with Ivan. It was the first time that I felt that kind of freedom while being with another person in the same room. You have no idea how we connected…How can something so beautiful have such a potential to hurt someone? And this beautiful thing is hurting me the most. Is it possible that I’m attracted to women too? Where did that come from?
Should I feel guilty for what happened? I don’t know if I could sit at the same table with Ivan’s friend, especially with her! Maybe I should be happy that for a few nights of my life I felt something stronger that any drug, more passionate that any sex and more touching than any story I’ve ever heard. God, I can’t believe how alive I feel…I’m somehow very, very happy. What a mess, huh babe?
What do you think?
All I know at this moment is that I don’t know how to be like I was before, I don’t remember what I used to be like, I don’t remember myself from before, what it feels like to exist in a world in which those couple of days never happened. I know Ivan will know something isn’t right… I don’t know what to do. What do you think?
Oh my, what a long e-mail… enough reading for now! I’ll write again in a couple of days, after I get my shit together, and I’ll tell you how everything happened and I’ll let you know what the first meeting was like after it happened…
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you this: this girl knows you, we talked about you too, we really opened up, I’ve never talked more freely and openly with anyone before, because I felt really relaxed…It turns out that in elementary school she had a crush on your cousin, that guy that used to be a punk rocker, who knows what he’s up to now, they went to school together and you two met on his birthday at his house, she remembers you, she said she thought you were pretty cool.
Write to me soon!!!
I love you,
Gorjan.