3. Wrong selection of words
The part of the verse which is moved and attached to the upper verse in the translation has a common subject (I), despite the punctuation sign. If this is not the case, then this is incorrect grammar. Via the following analysis we shall try to see what the reason is for such a solution.
The original is: (Овде сум на една топка-вртелешка)
горделива, среброљубива, властољубива
The original verse contains a beautiful selection of adjectives, which, despite their negative meaning are filled in with poetic sonority; in the translation they become a rough description of the subject who is speaking:
(Auf einem Ball stehend kreise!) ich gefalle mir selbst
gierig nach Geld, hungrig auf Macht
that is:
(Стоејќи на топка кружам!) (јас) си се допаѓам сама на себе,
алчна за пари, гладна за моќ
I think that there is no need to comment the selection of words in this verse, since they speak for themselves. However, it is a fact that the German language has a vast selection of adjectives, especially the ones that are combined of two words (such as the original); therefore, this reckless selection of words is unclear. The question is, to what extent are these verses in this form actually Katica Kulavkova’s?
A solution for the translation to refer to the verses of the original would be:
Hier bin ich auf einem Karussell-Ball
selbstgefällig, goldgierig, machtgierig
where even the звуковноста and гласовноста support the contents of what is said, like in the original, Neither the sense nor the form and poetics are lost, as is the case of the translation that is found on the portal. Of course, there are other possibilities in the selection of words and it depends on the translator, but the selection made by the translator Draesner is inappropriate and rough and simply wrong.
4. Ignoring sonority
Poetry has its strong feature of melody and sonority, which is expressed in many different ways. It is not simple to find appropriate words in the language of translation, which would correspond to the meaning, melody and sonority of the original; however, solution is possible to be found.
Several examples of not following the melody when translating:
Original: и те сликам, те олицетворувам, те отелотворувам
In this verse there is a repetition of action expressed via “те” + verb in first person singular. The last two verbs also have the same first vowel (alliteration) and the same ending.
Translation: und male dich, Spiegel dich wieder, dein Körper bin ich
Except for the lack of respect of melody there are again spelling and grammar mistakes and a wrong selection of words (Spiegel dich wiеder, it should be: spiegele dich wider) and wrong and rough interpretation (instead of: те отелотворувам, it says: јас сум твоето тело).
If the contents of melody can not be kept with a verb, like in the original, an attempt should be made to use one verb in first person singular combined with another verb:
Ich versuche dich abzubilden, zu widerspiegeln, zu verkörpern
Here we drift from the meaning (се обидувам да те насликам, да те олицетворам, да те отелотворам) but the combination of a verb in first person singular with nouns gives us the possibility to mark the same action, keep the same meaning and гласовноста.
Example: ich gestalte dein Abbild, dein Spiegelbild, deine Verkörperung
Or: ich gestalte dein Abbild, deine Widerspiegelung, deine Verkörperung
(in both examples: ја обликувам твојата слика, твоето олицетворение, твоето отелотворение)
Melodious equalizing at the end of те олицетворувам, те отелотворувам s in the first example via dein Abbild and dein Spiegelbild and in the second example in deine Widerspiegelung and deine Verkörperung. The second example in its form and meaning corresponds to the original, but in the translation of this verse alliteration can not be preserved.
However, in the same poem there are several more examples where it is possible to keep the alliteration, but it was not done.
For example, in the verses of the original:
те памтам, памтењето го предавам
од едни на други
поправки правам, предавство
Translation:
mich erinnere ich an dich, vom einen
zum anderen geb ich Erinnerung, die alte,
weiter, berichtige, verrate,
In the original there is a perfectly flowing and poetic string of words with “p” as the beginning letter. In the translation there is no melody, and there is wrong and non-poetic interpretation of the verses everywhere.
It is of course not possible that the string of words in the translation starts with the same letter as in the original, but there is a possibility to take words with another initial letter, to at least partially keep this poetic feature and meaning.
For example:
gedenke deiner, das Gedächtnis gebe ich weiter
es wandert von den einen zu den anderen
ich verschönere, verbessere, Verrat
In this case, in one verse there is the beginning letter “g”, and in the third verse there is “v” instead of “p”; however, in both verses the meaning an significance of the original are kept. Additional words in the first verse are necessary in German. The verse between them is longer than in the original, but it is nothing unusual and wrong when poetry is translated; sometimes it is necessary, and in this case there is even poetic melody and sonority (weiter of the previous verse matches wandert), and the meaning and significance remain true to the original. Of course, the added words “es wandert” can be omitted, and von den einen zu den anderen can remain; however, I think that the longer version in German sounds better.
Of course the parallel предавам – предавство of the first and third verse of the original should be kept. One possibility would be that instead of Verrat one uses vergeblich, vergebens which contains and therefore sounds like gebe (weiter) of the first verse; however, this word has a different meaning – in vain. Anyway, the translator has to decide on one solution, whether she will keep the style or the meaning. The decision is of course one and it is made according to the method: which one sounds better and corresponds to the original. A solution with vergebens is maybe better, since the words in close in its meaning and this solution would also correspond to the Macedonian original since предавам and предавство in the poem also have a different meaning:
gedenke deiner, das Gedächtnis gebe ich weiter
es wandert von den einen zu den anderen
ich verschönere, verbessere, vergebens