Who the Fuck Started All This?

/, Theatre/Film, Blesok no. 13/Who the Fuck Started All This?

Who the Fuck Started All This?

First Circle – Meaning
Second Circle – Joy
Third Circle – Faith
Dr Phallus
The Young Man

Europe
Wittenburg
The Black Pig (A forgotten European Inn)
Doctor Phallus
The Young Man

DOCTOR PHALLUS
Phallus.
(Pause)
Doctor Phallus.
(Pause)
I am Doctor Phallus.
THE YOUNG MAN
Doctor Phallus?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
In the flesh. Like a ghost. Haven’t you heard?
THE YOUNG MAN
No.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
You’re not from around here are you?
THE YOUNG MAN
No.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Welcome.
THE YOUNG MAN
I’m glad to find everything so well here.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
You won’t find anything well here. Where are you from?
THE YOUNG MAN
Southern Europe.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
The Balkans?
THE YOUNG MAN
Macedonia.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Something is rotten in these years of European hope. The Balkans are a prison.
(Pause)
What are you doing here?
THE YOUNG MAN
I have a scholarship. I struggled to get it. I only just got the visa. What’s important is that I’m here. I’ve come to study.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
You came to this place to study?
THE YOUNG MAN
I was told there were whores here of the highest quality.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
There are. I am one of them. You will be taught. I will teach you everything. Would you like to go now, or would you like to buy me a pint first?
THE YOUNG MAN
Don’t be ridiculous!
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Do you find it so ridiculous? I find it horrible. Will you be gentle with me? Will you kiss me at least once? You haven’ t got any diseases have you? You’ll definitely want it from behind. You Balkan swine! But I’m not just a piece of meat. I’m an honest whore. A virgin.
THE YOUNG MAN
Are you taking the piss?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
I am a whore. Honestly. It’s just that I’m a very clever one. That’s what’s destroying me. Look. I dragging my heavy brain like a hump. I am a very complex whore. Look at me closely. An extremely expensive whore. It’s a pain in the rectum. They throw me out of universities, I establish others. They hound me out of countries, I establish others. Knowledge and Magic. Experience and Fantasy. I know the systems. The codes. The signals. The secrets of the stars. The secrets of the states. The alchemy of nature. The solutions to the riddles. The recipe for Coca Cola. Virtual reality. Micro chips. Things that haven’t even been invented yet. The labirynth of the human soul. All the actors and gravediggers of Europe. All the angels of Europe. Worms. Ideas. Chaos. Ghettos. Paranoias. Hazards. Whores. Extended consciousness. Political conspiracies. Hermetic circles. Esoteric circles. Mystical circles. Geometry. Geomanty. Heromanty. Necromancy. Metapomancy. Schitzomancy. Prickomancy and so on and so on.
(Pause)
I’m bored. Nothing is happening to me. I’m rotting in The Black Pig. The best inn in Wittenburg and for miles around. Here reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol. Many great minds have hit this floor. Some of them threw up and then drowned. I’ll have a beer. A sip. I’ll fall. I’ll break my neck. The Black Pig killed Doctor Phallus. Water and flame. What I’m trying to say is buy me a pint.
THE YOUNG MAN
Stout?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Or lager.
THE YOUNG MAN
Stout or lager?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Stout or lager.
THE YOUNG MAN
You don’t know what you want.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
I want everything I know.
BEER
I know everything. Or, I know that when I don’t know I know more than those who don’t know that they don’t know. My heel is aching. Do you think it’s a sign?
THE YOUNG MAN
A sign of what?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
A sign from God.
THE YOUNG MAN
I wouldn’t have thought so.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Neither would I. Pity I’m waiting for a sign. While I’m waiting I could have another beer. Stout or lager.
BEER
Joint?
THE YOUNG MAN
No.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
No? What do you mean ‘No’?
THE YOUNG MAN
Just that. No.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Why not?
THE YOUNG MAN
Why? Eh? I just can’t get my head round some of the things here.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Are you thick?
THE YOUNG MAN
No.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
What do you mean ‘no’?
THE YOUNG MAN
Just that. No.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Why?
THE YOUNG MAN
Why what?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Why not?
THE YOUNG MAN
Why should I be?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
You’re from… The Balkans. Now, though, you’re in Wittenburg. That could be proof to the contrary. Then again it doesn’t have to be. You might just be ocassionally thick?
THE YOUNG MAN
I don’t think so.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
I do. You never know. If you are stupid, you’re not clever enough to know how stupid you are. The moon is pathetic. It dies sadly, like the man. The sun is green. Mercury is a virgin. Venus is in love. Mars is furious. You are stupid.
THE YOUNG MAN
And you’re clever?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
I’m in love.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER
How are you?
THE YOUNG MAN
Why?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Why what?
THE YOUNG MAN
Why did you ask how I am?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Why ‘why how are you?’? Don’t philosophise. You are well or you are not. Give me your hand.
THE YOUNG MAN
Why?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
What a fiend you are.
HE TAKES HIS HAND
I’ll tell you something. First, a beer.
BEER
Look now. The death toll. A state funeral. A wedding veil for a whore. A kingdom for a whore. The murderer spreads the legs of the widow on an empty coffin. He tears her shirt. He tears her knickers. He copulates like an animal. She squeals like a pig. The widow contorted with passion bites his arm. Will she die of happiness? No. Ethnic tension. Civil war. Fratriside. Restlessness and passion. A faggot watches them. Can I help you uncle? I’ll stick a finger in from behind old boy. Spread your legs mother. I’ll put it in your mouth a little Mummy.
HE LETS HIS HAND GO. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
Oh love, love! You are a ghost! You are a devil! You are a fallen angel! You stick it up Samson in spite of his strong muscles. Solomon bent over forwards in spite of all his wisdom.
THE YOUNG MAN
I don’t understand all this.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
That’s right. Words, words, words. If you have a wound pour molten lead over it yourself if not I’ll do it for you. Don’t pity anyone. If you feel sorry for someone destroy them. Fuck them to death. Death is beautiful. The world is absurd. Politics is madness. I’m talking bullshit.
(Pause)
Where have the Gods gone?
THE YOUNG MAN
The Gods eh? Let me tell you something. There are no Gods. Thugs, treacherous knaves and hypocrites.
(Pause)
DOCTOR PHALLUS
How did you figure that out?
THE YOUNG MAN
My comtemplation.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Bravo! Would you like to see a ghost?
THE YOUNG MAN
What sort of ghost?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
I’ll call a ghost for you.
THE YOUNG MAN
No.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Everyone wants to see a sprit. Everyone has some spirit.
THE YOUNG MAN
I don’t believe in spirits.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
They don’t believe in you either.
(Pause)
Do you like African dances?
THE YOUNG MAN
What kind of African dances?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
What do you mean ‘what kind’? – African. Or would you like some strawberries and cream?
THE YOUNG MAN
What strawberries?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
With cream. Why are you so paranoid?
THE YOUNG MAN
At home we eat people like you for breakfast.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
That’s right. What fiends you are. Oh what a wicked gleam you have in your eye. This beer tastes like Alexander.
THE YOUNG MAN
Alexander?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
The one who used to conquer. Over there where you’re from. Home. Don’t you think so?
THE YOUNG MAN
No.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Alexander died one morning. They buried him. Then he went back to the dust. The dust is earth. From the earth we make mud. We seal barrows with mud.
DRINKS
Alexander. Try.
THE YOUNG MAN
What does Alexander taste like?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Like this.
THE YOUNG MAN
You’re a bit weird.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
I’m very much in love.
THE YOUNG MAN
With whom?
DOCTOR PHALLUS
With you.
THE YOUNG MAN
You’re sick.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
For you.
THE YOUNG MAN
This is absurd.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Everything is absurd.
THE YOUNG MAN
You’re drunk.
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Not drunk enough.
(Pause)
THE YOUNG MAN
I didn’t come here to meet the likes of you. Do you hear me? I have my own plans… I’m gonna shit all over the whole lot of you…
DOCTOR PHALLUS
Don’t worry. That’s just how it’ll be. You’re in good hands. You need knowledge. You need a good teacher. The teacher knows everything. Now the teacher will show you something. You will learn something. Come, let the teacher show you something. Knowledge? See how you receive knowledge!
HE TAKES HIM BY THE HAIR
HE RAPES HIM
A SCREAM

AuthorDejan Dukovski
2018-08-21T17:23:55+00:00 March 1st, 2000|Categories: Play, Theatre/Film, Blesok no. 13|0 Comments